Thanks to our wonderful ambassador of goodwill, Governor Jan Brewer, who looks like a Dio de los Muertos( Day of the Dead )Barbie doll, Arizona is already known to be too dangerous to even visit, much less reside in. According to her, our desert is littered with headless corpses. As if that weren’t bad enough, every immigrant crossing said desert has drugs strapped to their backs. You would think an abundance of the former might dissuade an influx of the latter; apparently our illegal immigrants aren’t good about warning the others back home. Then again, it’s hard to warn someone when you’re a headless corpse. Just think of all the free drugs out there, if you don’t mind prying them off a decomposing, maggot-ridden body. I think I could do it, but even though it sounds like they’re everywhere, you’d most likely have to hike around to find one( hardly any roads, and the ones lying next to roads are probably already picked over ). This sounds like a lot of work for someone of my girth and, in any event, I am of course a law-abiding citizen and would have no use for them. By “them”, naturally, I mean the drugs, not the bodies( as far as I know, there is no secondary market for decomposing, maggot-ridden, headless corpses).
But I digress. This particular post isn’t about Arizona’s Governor. By the way, she has a book out, entitled Scorpions for Breakfast( I can picture her sitting at her table in the morning, with the creepy arachnids crawling in and out of her eye holes, mouth and sleeves). It is also not about how Arizona’s otherwise pristine Sonoran Desert is riddled with rotting Mexicans lying on top of bundles of marijuana, cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine( clearly, I am out of the loop, drug culture-wise; these are the only ones I can think of). No, this post was to have been about another, even creepier reason for avoiding Arizona altogether; unfortunately, it will have to wait until next time, because I’ve spent entirely too much time rambling on about Governors, drugs and headless corpses.
In closing, please understand that I make no assertions as to the general quality of our state’s leadership; this is not a political blog, and as I have mentioned before, I do not keep up on current events, particularly those of a political or generally relevant nature. I feel comfortable saying, however, that the present administration may have had a negative effect on the tourism and housing industries in Arizona. Though my business depends entirely upon the improvement of the latter, conscience dictates that I share perhaps the scariest reason for avoiding Arizona at all costs. Again, it will have to wait until next time.