I believe I have mentioned before that this blog will never be political in nature; by that I mean I will never try to sway one’s politics to my own. Why? Well, because like most of us who have a functioning brain, I cannot in good conscience subscribe mindlessly and blindly to the rants of a particular party. There are certain tenets of both major parties that I feel are inarguable (the details of which I leave to the imagination, lest I offend an existing or potential follower into leaving me). The most basic ideology to which I subscribe, i.e. I am always right, no one else holds as doctrine. Sad, really; things would go so much better (at least for me) were others more brilliant (like myself) in their thinking.
Anyone can see that modern-day politics have descended into mindless indoctrination and shameless turnabout: I offer as an example the Republican campaign for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by retiring Arizona Senator John Kyl. Current ads by candidate Wil Cardon accuse opponent Jeff Flake of opposing SB1070; I was confused at first that someone would choose to attack his opponent over such a polarizing topic (hundreds of thousands of democrats (and several republicans) oppose this same bill), until I realized that it was a republican primary election, wherein the arbitrary profiling and detention of an individual until their immigration status is determined is considered generally acceptable. (Hmm…this may sound like I’m politicizing, but I’m not; I’m a white, overtly obvious Christian American male – Thank you, Jesus; can I have a hallelujah?; what do I care if the powers that be detain someone based solely on their looks, race or religious inclination? I can’t thing of a single time in history where that’s gone wrong). The point is, should Cardon defeat his fellow republican, he’ll no doubt dump any ads mentioning SB1070, because it will alienate too many voters in the general election. The questions, then, become these: What do candidates really stand for?, and forget party lines; What is it that truly define our candidates and make them worthy of our vote?
This is a presidential election year. Someone will be chosen to lead this great nation in increasingly troubled times. I, for one, want to know what sort of man they are. Do I want to hear their response to questions about the economy? No, because I’m going to hear vague, party-pandering, pat answers that offer no real solution. What about those concerning national defense? I couldn’t care less what they have to say; all will appear proudly pro-military, because even though we spend $252 billion more than the other top ten spending nations combined, no self-preserving candidate (is there any other kind?) could make the necessary cuts and survive the fallout from the resulting loss of jobs in the defense sector. (alright, maybe I’m politicizing a tad).
No, I want answers to the real questions: ones that cross party lines, that don’t allow pandering to a particular group, that reveal a man’s true character, what he stands for – his personal ideals – and the depths to which he will go to defend them. Soon our two candidates will face off in a series of debates that will help determine who will lead us in the coming years. I have given this enough thought to justify writing this post – literally minutes – and I offer to you now the absolute best method for choosing a president to lead this great nation into the future: a single event, candidate versus candidate, with the one who most often correctly answers The Ten Best Questions for a Presidential Debate becoming the next President of the United States of America:
1) Toilet Seat up or Down? The correct answer is, of course, up; the President is an extremely important man, and his health of paramount importance; toilet seats, even those in the White House, are pervaders of the most insidious sorts of bacteria. Assuming the first lady shares the presidential restroom, the impetus is on her to ensure the seat is up, or in less frequent cases, down if the President’s functions are of a more thoughtful nature. In fairness, should a future candidate be a woman, than the opposite answer will be correct. Any answer of a different sort is a sign of weakness in a candidate and should be counted against him or her.
2) Toilet Paper Rolling Out Forward or Backward? This is actually a trick question; a good president will always be a man (or woman) on the go. As such, the entire roll should be in hand for the sake of efficiency. With the index finger executively extended into the roll, the directional path of the paper is unimportant.
3) Do You Prefer Beer, Hard Liquor or Wine? Most Americans prefer beer, and some of the best in the world come from the United States. There are many fine vineyards here as well, with several world-class offerings available. We have many prize-winning distilleries in our country; some of our whiskeys, in particular, are top notch. The correct answer, therefore, is yes. The job is innately stressful, likely more so than any other; if the candidate answers “none”, they are either lying, or if elected are too high-strung and will inevitably succumb to the pressures inherent in the position.
4) What Sport Do You Play? Perhaps no other single question more accurately defines a candidate’s worth. Mr. Obama plays basketball; this should be considered a most favorable characteristic. No one knows what Mr. Romney prefers, but his first name is “Mitt”, so perhaps he plays baseball. “Mitt” also means “with” in German; one might assume, therefore, that he sits on the bench while other, more talented white people play soccer. Polo is an unacceptable answer; this is not a sport unless you are a horse, in which case you would be considered undesirable as a candidate.
5) Who is the Boss, You or Your Wife? One would assume that the best candidate to rule our country should first be the ruler at home. This is another trick question; any man who says he is the boss at home is either a liar or divorced; neither are considered ideal characteristics of a successful candidate.
6) What Kind of Car do You Drive? The answer will reveal much about a candidate. If he answers, “I don’t drive; I am driven.”, he’s a snooty elitist and clearly out of touch with the common man. If he drives a foreign car, he’s probably smart, but politically inept. If he drives American, he’s politically savvy and supports the taxi and auto repair industries. The correct answer is “I drive a Lincoln and my wife a BMW.” The candidate who answers in this way scores well both for the aforementioned reason and for caring about his wife.
7) How Many Children Do You Have, and What are Their Ages and Dates of Birth? If a candidate stumbles through any part of this answer, he is not electable. This is especially true if he ends his answer to the first part of the question with “That I know of.” His answer should come easily, with the children listed in order of birth and with some detail about each that makes them seem special, rehab stints notwithstanding.
8) Which President Do You Most Admire? Anytime you’re interviewing for a position, it’s good to know some history behind the company. While several answers might appear favorable and for any number of reasons, the only correct answer is Theodore Roosevelt. While campaigning for another term as president, he was shot in the chest by a would-be assassin; though bleeding profusely, he went on stage before a huge crowd and gave his speech anyway, beginning it by announcing he’d been shot, opening his jacket to reveal the blood and announcing “It takes more than that to stop a bull moose.” Now there’s a man worth voting for. (He lost).
9) Who’s Your Favorite Disney Character? If they don’t have one, they’re un-American and out by default. If a villain is their favorite, they are not to be trusted. The correct answer is “Chief”, from The Fox and the Hound, whose voice characterization was provided by Pat Buttram. (Better known as the salesman, Mr. Haney, from Green Acres). Classic.
10) What’s Your Favorite Food? If the candidate mentions a vegetable or seafood of any kind, he’s obviously either a man whose taste buds have been compromised, or someone who was cruelly manipulated and indoctrinated by others. Either way, these are sure signs of weakness and fatally poor qualities in a president. If he says pizza or some other foreign food, he’s an idiot. The answer is the hamburger, which sounds German but as a food we all know is one hundred percent American. Try to order one in a German restaurant; one waitress brought me a mound of ground beef and onions covered in melted swiss cheese. (It was actually pretty good).
I guarantee that if we ask both candidates in the upcoming presidential election these ten questions, simultaneously and without benefit of prior knowledge as to their content, the best man for the job will become easily apparent. Someone once said that the best candidate for a political office is someone who isn’t running for it. Interesting statement; there seems to be the only one guy who has all the answers…