I may complain, from time to time, about things that bother me (ask my family and they’ll tell you that “time to time” means dawn to bedtime). Today I want to talk about drivers in my hometown of Tucson. They suck, but in their defense, I’ve found that the drivers are just as annoying in other places I’ve visited. I drive a great deal in my line of work, so it’s a subject that I confidently know something about – like most subjects. The title may be a little misleading; please understand that by you I mean the collective you. If there’s nothing on my list applicable to you personally, then (you’re a liar) please feel free to ride along and point fingers with me. Also, know that I mean hate in only the kindest sense of the word, as in loathe with every fiber of my being.
So. That being said, let’s get right to it: Ten Things I hate about you (and your driving), in no particular order:
1) You have that annoying sticker in the back window that tells me how many family members you have. Why do I care how many stick people and cartoon dogs are in your house? It seems kind of foolish to announce to the serial killer (no, not me) driving behind you that if he counts the heads in your minivan, he can tell stick mom must be home by herself. The most annoying thing about it is that I didn’t think of it first. How could anyone have expected a cheesy idea like that to take off?
2) You have bumper stickers on your car. Fine, your kid’s an honor student at Mongo Elementary, but just how high is that particular bar set these days? Besides, I find bumper stickers very distracting when I’m texting.
3) You text while you drive. What are you thinking? I’m an amazing driver, so texting for me is no big deal. But you suck, remember? Texting just makes you even worse. You probably suck at that, too. I’ve gotten pretty adept at spotting texters who drive ahead of me; they weave just like the drunks do, which makes driving drunk a little less risky these days. Unless you’re texting too.
4) You won’t turn right against a red light. It’s legal in Arizona, dipstick. Then, when the caution arrow comes on, you think “Okay, I’ll be cautious.”, and so you still don’t go. I wish I could have back the precious time that’s been sucked away from my life forever waiting for you to turn. I’d be at least a couple of minutes younger now.
5) You won’t turn left with a green light unless the arrow comes on. Are you kidding me? You could have gotten out, opened your trunk, pulled out your walker and shuffled across the street before the next car came, but you refuse to drive out into the intersection until specifically ordained by the arrow to do so. It makes me so mad I shake my steering wheel and roll my window down to scream at you (the crank broke off, so I have to turn the sharpened remnants with one hand while pushing my window down with the other. It really hurts). I can feel the veins straining in my neck. It’s more than I can bear; I’m almost blind with anger and at that moment almost want to kill you.
6) You’re a road rager. Why don’t you relax? Getting mad won’t get you there any quicker.
7) I let you in front of me and you deny me the thank you wave I so richly deserve. You’re an idiot, trying to get on a major street twenty feet before the intersection. I feel sorry for you being so stupid and for spending thirty-five grand on a Mini, and so have mercy on you; you act as though my benevolence is to be expected in modern society.
8) I let you in front of me because you’re stupid for trying to get on a major street twenty feet before the intersection, and you prove we both are by trying to cross two more lanes to get to the left turn lane. Of course, everyone else is going and no one will let you cross in front of them. So there we both sit for another light, you stuck perpendicularly in front of my huge truck, looking hopelessly hopeful, avoiding any eye contact (smart), and me giving you the Hitler salute (minus four fingers) and wondering if my auto insurance would cover me pulling you from your vehicle and beating you senseless (turns out it won’t).
9) You’re old, you got here the first week of November, and you won’t leave until the third week in April. You’re not in Minnesota anymore (ten thousand lakes my rump; I’ve been there, and there’s only a couple hundred, even by Arizona standards. The rest are big holes filled with water). There’s no ice on the road. Speed up! You’d think that you’d want to spend what limited time you have left at your intended destination, not wasting it away getting there.
10) Your music sucks. I hate sitting in the lane next to you at the light. All I hear is bass and expletives; do you have any idea how stupid you look sitting there, your Altima shaking like a Chihuahua at a…well, anywhere? I am comforted knowing you’ll be deaf in ten years and the only sound left in your brain will be BOOM, BOOM, BOOM and prison speak.
There you have it. Ten things I hate about you and your driving. I hope you know that outside of my truck, I’m about as awesome a person as you probably expect me to be (dang it). There are so, so many more things I hate about other drivers; It would please me to hear some of yours. Please, nothing about Water Feature Guys in big, white box trucks; then I’ll know you’re lying.
I think my favorites are #3 and #9. It’s also perplexing when old people stop in the middle of the road and look around and think about it, especially when you’re riding shotgun.
Haha! Sounds like you speak from experience. I wonder who the driver was..
I hate tailgaters. They are absolute trash. I am much more forgiving of out-of-towners who run red lights. (Oopsie!)
Yeah, me t…hey! It’s stupid to put two lights within 50 feet of each other; only in D.C. Don’t count that one; I was interfered with.
How about when somebody on a side street wants to turn right onto the road you’re driving on and they start turning while you’re still driving by. I say if you can turn your head and look them in the eyes, they better not be moving. Hold your damn horses! Idiots! That’s probably my most hated pet peeve – don’t get me started!
Hmm…I think I do that…
Isn’t that when the imaginary cat rolls out in front of you and you have to slam on your brakes? I swear there was something in the road…
Haha!I admit that same cat has run in front of my vehicle before; he has more than nine lives, apparently.
How about the guy who has to turn in front of you, even though there is NO ONE behind you? Then, of course, they slow down! Aaaaargh!!
I like how you said “guy”. I almost always find that person to be a “gal”. But yeah! I hate that!
Nope, it’s ALWAYS a guy!!
Hmph…Actually, what do I care? Everyone drives badly but me.
Touche! By the way-you don’t like my cute turtles on the back?
That’s what that meant! I thought that was how many slow people were in your family. Oops!
I lived in Arizona for several years…Your blog makes me homesick! Great piece 🙂
Wow! Who would’ve thought I’d be the goodwill ambassador for Arizona? Thank you so much!
Perfect title and well executed post! You rock, my friend.
Thank you! Enjoyed visiting your blog as well. I will continue to do so!
Hey Rich….PRETTY FUNNY….got a big kick out of this blog.
We all agree that driving can really be stressful and sorely tax one’s patience. Since most all of us can quickly think of drivers who drive us nuts, how about approaching this subject from a different angle. Why not think positively and look for situations that make driving more pleasant and perhaps even fun….and of drivers that we love rather than hate. So I will be the first to submit such a driving situation that I love…and which always helps to “make my day.”
I just love when a driver pulls up behind me in a big truck as I am waiting to make a left turn (especially if it’s a humongous white one that looks like it has just driven in from “the Holler). As I am patiently (the emphasis is on “patiently”) waiting for the green left-turn arrow to come on, such driver is angrily trying to intimidate me to move. And yup, you guessed it, I do have my walker in the trunk which I could pull out and shuffle across the street..but it is such FUN watching the scene ensuing behind me!
As the driver (veins straining in his neck, face red with rage…now I actually can’t see that this is true but I am picturing this in my mind), is hysterically shouting expletives, (again, I can’t actually hear what he is saying but can just imagine) and frantically waving his shaking hand out the window with the Hitler salute, I am calmly sitting there, happily imagining and HOPING that the driver might be my son-in-law!! 🙂 I drive away a ‘HAPPY CAMPER”. Yes, we oldsters have learned a trick or two in finding ways to make life a little more bearable and less stressful…and have a little fun in the process.
I’ll bet your son-in-law is a wonderful human being; clever, handsome and in all ways close to perfect.
I, too, hate tailgaters, enough to consider getting bumper stickers, which I also hate. There might be five of them: 1) Are you betting your life I’m a better driver than you? ( maybe too subtle )
2) What part of a 2 second interval don’t you understand? (still too subtle )
3) My lawyer loves tailgaters, she needs the work
4) I brake for tailgaters
5) Get the hell off my ASS!
You make me want to tailgate you.
Cell phone use of any kind while driving drives me nuts. (Convenient pun. ;)) Sorry, this applies even to skilled drivers. Toward that end, I don’t mind bumper stickers that support mindful, un-distracted driving! So long as they don’t distract us. Hmm…
I agree. In fact, I wish they had a bumper sticker with their number on it so I could call and berate them for driving and talking on the phone!
You crack me up! I hate not getting the thank-you wave either. And the family stickers what’s up with that…cars don’t need tattoos. I completely agree. Love your title too “the strugglers handbook” pretty funny dude 🙂
Yay! Thank you so much. That’s the way to my heart: tell me I crack you up!
Coming from the Freshly Pressed page here.
I hate protected-left wasters!! When the arrow comes on and they sit there for at least half the light, causing a bottleneck behind them. Grr! Also what Carol Brandon said about someone turning onto the street in front of you and slowing down, even when there was no one behind you! And I’ve been run off the road twice by people who don’t check their blind spots (in Utah, but apparently bad drivers exist everywhere.) It makes me so happy I live in NYC now and don’t have to drive any more! What a pain!
My favorite bumper sticker I’ve seen to date: “Sorry for driving too close to your front bumper.” Ha!
Love your blog, will be following!
Thank you for following! I do like that sticker; and some people’s blind spots extend from the left edge of the windshield to the right! I promise I will check out your site soon.
How about another from the Freshly Pressed page!
I often think of this when I see those cartoon family stickers…How come the families are always from the tried and true “Family of 4” and you never see one with two mothers and children or maybe one from the “Crazy Cat Lady”? Wouldn’t it be cool to see one cartoon lady with 35 cat stickers on her car?
One day it will happen. Until then I will continue to scour the backs of the mini-vans while they are boxing me into a lane.
I agree. Or a mom, 2 kids and a dad behind bars?
Dear Sir –
I am confused. You said the items on your list were ‘in no particular order’ but they seem to be in Numerical Order.
I’m a very good driver, but I am also
Haha! Excellent point. I suppose what I meant is that they aren’t listed in order of importance; I’ll be more careful from now on. I am an excellent driver, and also a tad naughty. I wonder if you mean naughty in general, or a naughty driver? I shall visit your blog and see for myself!
i’d like to add something, perhaps for a future “how to navigate a parking lot properly” list:
if you turn down an aisle and see a car already in the process of backing out of a parking space, slow the flip down and wait the 15 extra seconds it’ll take for the car to drive away instead of speeding up and driving around it.*
people that do this to me get smited. hard.
*unless of course the person backing out of the parking space is doing so at a pace that’s easily beatable by my preschooler on her tricycle.
I agree. With both the waiting and the smiting!
I’m a pretty calm person, so I don’t usually get annoyed at stupid driving unless it makes me late or almost kills me. I really hate it on the highway, when you have some guy is trying to merge into your lane and he is going 20 mph slower than you are. Instead of speeding up to change lanes, he just switches lanes immediately and expects you to slow down to not hit him.
I’m probably crazy for doing this, but I seem to get a kick out of testing how far aggressive drivers are willing to go in order to cut in front of me. This is what usually happens. I am driving normally down the highway during some off time so there is not that much traffic. I will start hearing some aggressive driver reving his engine while weaving in and out of traffic. As he gets next to me in some attempt to cut in front of my car, I will to speed up so that he will have to be driving a lot faster to get in front of me. Of course this whole time, my whole intention was to let him in front of me, but for some sick reason I just want to know who far he will go. Normally most of the drivers will back down due to the distance between cars decreasing as I speed up. But once in a while some crazy driver is able to get in front of me due to them going like 20 mph faster than me.
You and I are simpaticos, my friend. The road conjures up the evil in us both. Keep on tormenting!
OMYGOSH! YOURE HALLARIOUS!
LOL – And a pretty good writer too!
keep it up 🙂
I like to laugh!
Yay for me! High praise indeed, especially since you’re hard to please! I will visit soon.
I have never been to Arizona, but if you ever come across any driver with Connecticut plates in your travels, just turn around and go in the opposite direction. That is your best chance of survival. I live in Massachusetts near the Connecticut border and have CT drivers inflicted upon me on a daily basis. I am thoroughly convinced that the requirements to get a driver’s license in CT consists of nothing more then commiting a series of moving violations.
Yikes. I’ll watch out for them; there must be a few Connecticut snowbirds out here. Thanks for reading; I’ll do the same!
I completely relate on my husband’s behalf. He drives a Mack dump truck pulling and excavator at least 2-3 times a week. He should be dead or in jail for some kind of bogus accusation of road rage or vehicular homicide. I don’t know how he maintains his sanity most days. He come home with the most outrageous road events. People are just unbelievably stupid. Just Friday some guy in a VAN nearly caused a major accident involving my husband and every other car on the road at rush hour, just so he could “get in front of the BIG truck”. When the guy in the van couldn’t cut over in front of my husband he followed him through the toll booths, and then sped past him on the turnpike only to veer in front of him and break check my husband about 10 times within a 1/4 mile stretch. Honestly, is this guy trying to commit suicide? Between my husband’s Mack and trailer with excavator, he could have completely obliterated this guy. Fortunately my husband maintained his cool and stuck to the guys ass and finally the guy took off. This is only one of dozens of incidents like this. People have no respect for big trucks and the men who take the responsibility to drive them and are able to keep themselves from killing the most arrogant pinheads behind the steering wheel.
You are so right. And your husband is clearly a better man than I. That van would’ve made a nice hood ornament.
LOL, yes, but nothing beats the bulldog. 🙂
Except that it grows up to be a bulldog.
To sum it up: Mini vans . The people driving them are miserable (…driving a mini van) and distracted (…van full of kids or many kids waiting somewhere to be chauffered around, thus the van) and being stuck behind one hits on all of your list. Great post !
Haha! I never considered their misery before; only my own. Thanks for that; I’ll keep the finger salute to myself next time.
i am driving and using my iphone to respond with my right hand…steading the wheel with my left knee….balancing a sandwich on my lap and attempting to finish applying my macara with my left hand…anyways…hope this response makes sense…it’s a little dark out so it’s hard to see…
You sound like my kind of woman. Remember, I’m the only one who should be allowed to text and drive.
Oh Jeez! would’t wanna drive with you in the same street…or neighborhood…or city… 🙂 cause surely I break sometimes some of your rules..:)
Well, you look like you’re pretty cute; I tend to be a bit more tolerant of those drivers.
Thumbs up for keeping strong and humorous* right to the very last point! Most lists don’t make it past point 6, but I enjoyed each one in equal measure.
*It’s hurting me to abstract the ‘u’ from my spelling of humorous (I’m Australian), but I thought it would be better to respect your US origins. Just in case, you know, you take it out on the road 😉
I would love to take it on that road. Australia, here I come! Thank you for reading; I will visit soon.