I feel it important, when communicating to people with whom I have issues, that others with direct, peripheral or mere positional involvement consider it obvious that I am the better person merely by how I conduct myself. Whether defending a position verbally or by correspondence, it is absolutely critical that any characters within earshot (or eyeshot, in the case of written word) see me as the more reasonable party; if I am successful and my conduct beyond reproach, the strength of my stance or argument often becomes of secondary importance. This is a good thing, since admittedly I find myself dancing far more  often with hideous, blubbery, pimple-faced Miss Taken, instead of curvaceous, smoking-hot Shirley Wright.  No matter; no one likes a loud-mouthed jerk or a blithering, out of control know-it-all. A calm, reasonable and polite stance inevitably sways the public opinion to one’s favor, and a byproduct is the gift of righteousness, whether deserved or not. Even the one with whom you have issue will likely question himself in the face of an onslaught of good nature and grace.

You might well imagine that this winning formula may be a problem for me; I am not by nature calm, reasonable or polite, nor am I good-natured or in the habit of dispensing grace. When asked to describe me, I feel confident that few who know me well would toss around the word “kind”, unless it’s behind a bush or in a trash bin.(Whatever. Stupid jerks; who needs ’em). But knowing the best course of action is most of the battle; putting it into practice should be a simple thing. Consider this letter I am writing to my neighbor, who I consider so merely by virtue of proximity and who I loathe with every fiber of my considerable being (please understand it is a work in progress):

Hey, You Dear Old Bag of Dirt Neighbor,

I’ve noticed you stumbling walking down our street with your mangy mutt lovely dog these past few days; what’s holding you up? How cute you two look together! I think it’s hilarious how your dog takes you for a drag every day awesome that you walk together; it’s probably the only thing keeping you alive great exercise for the both of you. Listen, you old fart I must admit, though, there is one major small issue that is really pissing me off  I begrudgingly must address. You’re a real a I hope I don’t offend.

If your dog craps in my yard one more time I’ll kill you. It would seem that your mongrel pet seems to enjoy taking a dump have deposited fecal matter in my front yard every stinking day on more than one occasion. I saw the little bast I observed it happening yesterday, but I was lying on my couch in my boxers eating chocolate chips off my stomach very busy with something and was afraid they would fall off into the cushions and melt unable to speak to you about it. I can understand that you’re older than dirt and can’t bend over it may be difficult for you to pick up after him; might I suggest that you stay home and let him defile your own yard bring along a pooper scooper to pick up the waste? If money is an issue, you should take a handful of Geritol and call it a life I would be happy to pick up the crap with a baggy and smear it all over your wrinkled face buy one for you.

I can tell that mutt is all you have left you love your dog, so I thought I should mention I stepped in your dog’s crap and there were pieces of aluminum foil, rubber bands and bits of Depends on my shoe there was evidence of foreign materials in your dog’s steamy pile waste. Do you throw anything away? I should call social services on your butt These items can make your dog ill or even kill him, which would be cause for celebration in my home a tragedy.

This is your only warning Thank you for your attention to this matter. I can’t stand appreciate crappy old good neighbors like yourself, and if we see each other in the neighborhood, you better waddle off the other way can be sure I’ll flip you off say hello.

With Venomous Hatred Your Good Neighbor,

Richard Ramirez